Tuesday, March 29, 2011


Refined.  Pretty sounding word until you are being refined.  Webster definition says freed or free from coarseness, vulgarity, etc..; To be freed from impurities.  My prideful self started feeling I was getting back in control of my life, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Notice the word "I" being in control.  Trying to do it all myself, trying to run the show because too often pride keeps me from asking for help because I have always thought you pick yourself up and move on by the bootstraps or whatever.  Every time I have found myself in this place of coasting and prideful self, life gets interrupted.  Life circumstances and a recent injury exposed somethings in me that I thought I had dealt with or at least ignored long enough that they were no longer an issue.  
I am reminded of the verse in Jeremiah that I also tend to ignore or simply think it doesn't really apply to ME.  In bible study I remember very clearly this woman speaking about how we cannot call a wound healed and it be so.  Jeremiah 6:14 says, "They have healed the wound of my people lightly, saying, 'Peace, peace,' when there is no peace."  Inwardly I am saying, "Sure I can."

I was also reading from one of my favorite devotionals (New LIFE) by Steve Arterburn and found a banner talking about Discover the 5 walls that hinder and keep you from moving forward:  
  • Stubborn Resistance
  • Arrogant Entitlement
  • Justifiable Resentment
  • Detached Isolation
  • Blind Arrogance
Honestly, I quit.  I was weary of walking, talking and just doing.  I want it quick and easy.  I want to say peace and the peace be there.  I figured I had suffered enough, it was time.  I can check each of those five walls and know that they clearly and completely describe me.  I have been mad at my friends, mad at my circumstances, stubborn, arrogant, resentful, beginning to isolate and arrogant. All the while seeming fine to most people. Mostly because I am just tired of hurting and fighting, I am weary. We were never promised an easy life or a fair life.  I look around and think how "so and so" has it so easy.  But really, life isn't easy for any of us. Not even when we self-medicate and check out completely or running away as Jonah did. Our problems and hurts are still there the next day and God is still God.  The only way to be refined is submit our lives, pour them out for the Lord.  Trust His sovereignty and let His grace heal us when we fail or quit and get up and move forward.  I figured if I say forgive enough, I have forgiven.  When forced to dig deep, the anger is still there and the sheer magnitude of it lets me know that while I ignore it, God doesn't and He wants me to lay it down. I have spent a lot of time confessing and repenting lately of the anger and unforgiveness that still has a hold of me and my heart. 

Pick up the cross daily.  Seek the Lord daily.  Pray constantly for others, for yourself.  Let Him refine you.  Be ready. Jesus is coming back. I want my children with me for eternity.  I cannot be the woman and mother God wants me to be without letting Him refine me. 


  1. Your transparency shows vulnerability, and that's usually when God moves in my own life, soothing my deepest wounds. You've said it well: Refinement is necessary but rewarding. It won't last forever, for joy comes in the morning. Love you! Ava

  2. Oh, girl. You have put into words exactly how I'm feeling lately. Refinement is such a painful process, but we have to look toward the reward - a closer walk with our Jesus. I've been going down that road of wanting to quit. Thank you for encouraging me to keep going. Love you!

  3. I was in this place just a few short months ago myself. That sentence you wrote, "Mostly because I am just tired of hurting and fighting, I am weary." sums it all up for me. I have recognized now that is exactly where Satan wants me to be: tired, weary, broken. We've got to keep encouraging one another to pack more iron into those armor suits! Victory is coming if we don't give up. I just know we will be amazed when we look at ourselves and see how shiny and beautiful we are when we finally get out on the other side of this fire.