Friday, March 9, 2012

Confessions of a sinaholic.

I remember in September 1999 picking up and literally dusting off my bible and opening up to the book of Matthew. I sat there reading and thinking nothing made sense. I remember verbalizing how I wish I could understand; wondering why it didn't make sense. I thought of the desire I had as a little girl to know God, to do what was right and wondering what happened to her.

I was that girl. Raised right, good family.
I broke rules, I did everything wrong.
I lived outside the box, I spit my bit.
I did what I wanted regardless of what others thought.
I never thought about hurting others or consequences of my choices.
Ten commandments, knew about them, broke them all, every one...often.
Fast forward to November 1999. 
Doctor's office, test results.
Good news = not cancer.

I spent years running from God; from what I knew to be true.
The power of the words a doctor wrote on that paper...
Two words circled in red ink that changed my life. 
Those two words made me stop and think about my life, my purpose.
That was THE defining moment of my life. 
Everything changed. The blinders had been removed.
God began the process of removing the heart of stone and giving me a heart for Him.  

I still mess up, make big mistakes, say the wrong things and struggle.
I am not who I used to be; yet, I know I never want to go back. 
I am a new creation. 
I am a new person. 
I want to keep moving forward, growing and learning.

God gave me a vision that day of what my little girl would look like, who she could be.
I knew at that moment, I was at a crossroads. I had a choice before me.
A blessing or a curse for us both. 
Life or death.
I thought hard about the 'legacy' I wanted to leave for her.
I thought about the life I wanted her to have.
I thought about my parents and grandparents, the life they lived.
I knew it was past time to make a change, one that would matter.

I took that step of faith that day and I have never regretted it. Following Jesus has been costly in ways I never could have imagined. Honest to God, it has been worth it all. 

Thank you Lord for answering a simple little prayer of a broken girl that day who had lost her way. Thank you for giving me the strength and courage to follow You every day.


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